i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Randomize
