I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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