just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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