stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
