Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
