I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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