Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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