Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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