Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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