all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
