I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Dicks are not precious.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
