she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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