I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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