I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
