Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Randomize
