Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
