Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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