Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I take back everything I said about communal showers
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
