theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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