i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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