im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
