Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
