I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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