(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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