I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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