I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
