So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
