I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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