mondays should just be called national damage control day
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
