I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
