i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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