Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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