Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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