WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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