i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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