they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
