I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
