is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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