I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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