he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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