just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
