The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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