i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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