I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
