Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
