May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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