It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
