nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
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