A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Where did you get a picture of my penis
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So much rum. So many feels.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
