Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Randomize
