so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
