I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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