just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
