Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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