Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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